Raccoons, Aliens and the Obamas.

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December 13.  The day after Our Lady of Guadalupe Day, otherwise known as Get Out-A-Town Day.  We did, and appropriately early.

Today we’ll get to Monterrey but there’s no reason to elaborate on the sights and smells of that city.  We’ve been there, done that and got the hammocks.  On the other hand, the route we took was a new one. 

A few hundred meters from the Columbia International Bridge is the freshly poured Mexico 1, a white ribbon in the sun that cuts through the scrub land that is Northern Mexico.  The highway is so new that the edges are adorned with raw rebar and a generous coating of dust.  There’s a noticeable lack of sinkholes, sedans or semis, making our cruising speed as rapid and comfortable as we desired.

About sixty miles into Mexico, we discovered why the Cartels don’t use this highway, as we were “welcomed” and questioned by the Mexico National Guard, formerly known as Los Federales.  It was an IMAX view of a used car parade of beefed-up Challengers, Jeeps, Toyotas and a handful of armored DM V Toros, each complete with a 25 mm cannon poking out the roof.  El jefe separated himself from the crowd of 50 – 60 federales, er, National Guardias and approached us.  Sharon handled the intense interrogation as to our destination and purpose in life.  He was either enamored with the white girl blue eyes or just frustrated with the lack of progress in our mutual conversation.  He waved us on as if to pat us on the head with a bit of social distancing.  Sharon acknowledged how difficult and dangerous their job was with a caring, “Thank you for your service” as we pulled away, but I think El jefe was entranced and will only remember the blue eyes. 

December 14. We hit the road shortly after sunrise.  Pan dulce, coffee and gas were on the early to-do list. Next destination, Tampico, where there was a new hotel experience, beach time and savory Al Pastor street tacos.

About the hotel.  It was indeed on the beach, with a beautiful view.  It was a step above Port Aransas’ Beach Lodge, but it was a small step.  A micro-step.  Barely a welcome mat.  If you know, you know. Water for the sink, toilet and shower were a gamble.  The toilet randomly filled at night and at other times, dribbled sadly on the floor for a slip-n-slide adventure.  Our afternoon beach experience was calm and relaxing as we sipped tequila with the Obamas. 

A riveting beach excursion like this can really work up an appetite, so we went in search of our favorite Tampico Al Pastor place.  We’ve been there at least a dozen times and each time resulted in a lot of happy belly rubbin’.  But… um, we couldn’t find it and we are inclined to believe that it no longer exists. 

After multiple drive-byes of other potential places to eat, we ended up at the jetties that divide the beach/hotel zone from the busy shipping port.  We walked the jetties a bit, but any memory of that was erased by a raccoon sighting.  Yeah, a beach raccoon. I have only seen them in a setting festooned with garbage cans but, there he was and I found myself in a staring contest.  We locked eyes.  I was unaware that the neighborhood had been alerted.  120 masked, beady eyes were surrounding us, all with the look on their face that said “Hey, what cha got ta eat?”  That’s when we noticed a recurring theme at the local trinket shops.  Raccoons on shirts, key chains and whatever.  But alongside our rodent buddies were aliens.  Yeah, flying objects and green men type aliens.  As of 2024, the coast of Tampico (Madero) is now considered Mexico’s epicenter of extraterrestrial stuff. They are believed to have an under the sea conclave and their sole purpose is to protect the Port of Tampico from large storms. (I am not making this up.) It was weird.  Just downright weird.   A goofy kind of weird.  But this led us to wonder; what if the aliens ARE the raccoons?  Like, aliens in raccoon form, just trying to not raise suspicion, right?  You know, just mix in with the crowd. Yeah, tequila will make the mind question all sorts of stuff.

December 15.  We left our beach home a little later than able.  Our hotel was on the main route for Tampico’s Bearded Santa Fun Run.  Our side of the street, not the other side, was roped off and orange-coned to let a battalion of Poncho Clauses huff and puff on past… eventually.

Our next destination is worth talking about.  Cuetzalan, (Qwets-AH-lan).  It’s an exquisite little gem of an old village and it remains that way because the road to Cuetzalan, no matter where you’re coming from, is made for burros, not internal combustion engine vehicles.  Pick any motion: forward, backward, loop-d-loop, sideways crab crawl, a few Simone Biles twists, and throw in a heapin’ helping of large oil pan piercing stones and canyon sized ruts.  That’s the last 50 miles of the “road” to Cuetzalan that took about 3.5 hours.  

My Honda Element is a bad-ass.  Just sayin’.

This village is about 3500 feet up on the side of a mountain.  Note the key word, “side”.  Everything is up or down.  No path is flat or near level and no street is straight.  Beyond this quaint lil’ angled village are plenty of caves and waterfalls.  The cave system alone is the largest in Mexico and a couple of the entrances are here in the city.   Between buildings, the flora takes advantage of any clod of dirt to set root and blossom into a micro-jungle.  There are numerous, dirt-poor ladies walking barefoot, dressed in sparkling white dresses with colorful ties and sashes, selling their stuff.

As we entered this vertical city, our mapping system continued to update our route.  Unfortunately, there were two key pieces of information that would have helped. The main street was closed with an illuminated tunnel of Christmas cheer or in our opinion a festive roadblock.  Now let’s throw in the weekend tianguis, the traveling open air market that takes over blocks of city streets for a day, and that happened to be today. After many frustrating turns that caused us to back up a block because a street ended into another leg of the tianguis, we finally made it to La Peña Hotel Boutique and Spa.

La Peña is a compound hidden behind a very tall rock wall. The room did not disappoint but the shower stole the show. It’s a rainfall of lots of hot water unlike any other we’ve experienced in Mexico. There’s a great on-site restaurant, a bar, happy helpful employees and plenty of quaint nooks to sit and write about this adventure.  We have hit a great destination.

There’s not much to do here, but there is certainly a lot to look at if you don’t mind the walking.  For the last couple of days, Sharon and I have walked among the shops and trekked the various elevations in search of caves and waterfalls. 

Today, December 17^th, we were awoken by a multitude of kids, cumbias and car horns.  The street right outside of our hotel is the staging area for an area wide kids Christmas parade.  There were a lot of kids. LOTS. And they were amped up on Christmas candy.  We followed them as they danced through the twisting streets, eventually ending up at the main plaza for a few Christmas carols.  It was cool, but then again, we’re suckers for a good parade.

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Donnie Meals

donnie@editpointstudios.com

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